Sunday, January 08, 2006

The Energizer Battery

Every so often I get a bug up my butt about taking better care of my skin. I had great skin when I was younger but old age brought me teenage acne. Not a bad case but once in a while I’ll look in the mirror and scream, “Holy cow, those blackheads are bigger than my nipples!” And I’ll make The Promise right there and then: Cross my heart and hope to die, I’ll wash my face every day until it cries.

Last week I made The Promise and also bought some products. Oh, not the hundreds of dollars an ounce yuppie stuff. No, I know I’ll break the promise before I get to the bottom of the jar plus I don’t buy the argument that they work any better than the cheap stuff. I bought ‘P Cleaner’ by Neutrogena. I think it’s supposed to be ‘Deep Cleaner’ but there is a price tag strategically placed so that the customer really has no idea what they hell she just bought. I do know that when you put it on, it dries blue and makes my husband laugh. He’s not used to seeing girlie things. This is how we started out the first day of the New Year.

We ended last year with a bang. I shot and killed the dog. Not literally but I sure wanted to and would have if I could have found the key to the gun cabinet. What lead up to the dog being---well---in the dog house is Don wanted to call a friend to wish him a Happy New Year. We rehearsed and rehearsed because that’s what we do on the Planet Aphasia before dialing the phone when Don is going to talk. He had his lines down pat and he only had one thing left to do. His hearing aid as most of them do, I guess, whistles when the phone’s handset is placed on his ear so he took the aid out and handed it to me. I in turn set it on the television set. Cooper had chewed a hearing aid a couple of years ago, so we’re pretty careful not to set them down at his level. I didn’t count on the fact that the damn dog could climb the arm of the chair to get up to the back of the chair where he could easily reach the waxy, plastic treat with the $1,500 digital component inside.

We were lucky the last time. I was able to dig it out of his mouth before he completely destroyed the components inside and it only had to have the outer shell rebuilt. This time it looks like a wad of chewing gum with a wire sticking out of one end and an empty battery door out the other end. No saving it this time. We have a 50/50 chance on it being covered by his hearing aid insurance. They will replace each side for free one time only. We can’t remember if right or left was destroyed the last time but considering that most people use the same ear when talking on the phone, our odds are probably closer to a hundred to one.

I feel like my life is a gigantic board game. We got a cost of living check for 2005 in the mail for $900 last week and this week we have a new hearing aid to replace. We sell something big on eBay and the city says they forgot to send us a quarterly water bill last summer and there goes our eBay money. Draw a card and go back three places. Draw a card and go directly to jail for using a firearm on a dog who thinks hearing aids and Q-Tips are a delicacy akin to sushi. I swear someday I’m going to jam his little poodle tail down my ear, get it all waxed up, then watch him drive himself nuts chasing his tail around in circles. Big sigh here. I guess I should wait until after Cooper passes the tiny Energizer battery. Jean Riva ©

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